Have to say Goodbye
by Cherry Hall
Summary: He had nothing left. Nothing but the pain enclosed by his long dormant heart. But for some reason, he just had to say goodbye, one more time. Warnings: Suicidal Thoughts, Knives, Possible Triggers. Set post OoTP, Pre- HPB.


**Have to Say Goodbye**

**By Cherry Hall**

**Date: November, 21st, 2012 ( First penned April 17th 2012)**

**Characters: Harry**

**Genre: Agnst, Suicidal**

"I wonder what would happen if I just…let my fingers…slip." Harry murmured, his fingers roughly grasping his uncles rarely used hunting knife within their grasp.

It was all his fault. It was always his fault. He was a Plague. A Disease. Only when he was around did someone get hurt. Sirius. Cedric. His parents. It was all his fault.

Sirius. If only he hadn't been so thick, so pretentious, to think every little dream he had was true. If he had only not gone to the ministry, Sirius would still be alive, and safe, far away from Harry.

Cedric. If he had only done as he asked, taken the cup on his own, Cedric would have never been swept into that graveyard, fit for Voldemort to take. If he has only just listened, Cedric would still be alive, happy with Cho Chang, and far, far away from Harry.

His Parents. His father had died to save him and his mother. If he had just taken his mother, and ran, they might still be alive. If his mother had simply taken Voldemort up on his offer, stepped aside, rather than stand between him and his fatal curse, she could have survived.

Slowly toying with the knife in his hands, Harry went over his options for what seemed like the hundredth time. Stabbing, shooting, any trauma would do. But he knew just what he wanted to do, just how he wanted to die. On the end of the killing curse, speared by his own fatal sword that was his own mortality.

Only one thing gave him pause. His friends. And yet, they were also his motivation. To remove himself, before they got hurt, was his final wish. It was as though two sides of him were at war with one another. Everyday he battled, and everyday he ended the same as the last: without so much as a glimmer of a decision.

Sure, he had written letters. He had written countless letters to Ron, Hermione, and even occasionally Lupin. But not one of them was ever sent, not one was sent explaining why he just couldn't take it anymore. Why he just could not stand existence anymore. Even so, he found himself reaching for his quill, and a fresh piece of parchment, poised to write yet another soul bearing message destined to never be seen by another.

Dear Ron,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you constantly. But I am going to have to do it again. All I do is hurt people. You. Your family. Hermoine. Everyone that stumbles into my path seems to get hurt, and I'm tired of hurting people Ron. I'm tired of everyone dying because of me. I'm tired of feeling dead inside, like there is just no hope, just nothing left in the entire world that could possibly hold even a glimmer of possibility for me. All I do is hurt Ron, constantly hurting myself, and everyone unlucky enough to know me. So I'm done. Finished. I am not going to afflict anyone with my presence anymore. I am no longer going to be a destroyer of innocent lives. I am not Voldemort, I do not revel in death, nor do I fear it. Good-bye Ron. Take care of Hermoine for me.

Harry

With a sigh, he threw his quill to the ground, and crumpled the parchment, throwing it across the room into the growing pile. He couldn't do it. He couldn't shatter another heart, no matter how justly. He never could do it. With a groan, he slipped back into bed, his eyes on the waning moon above him.

Just another failure of the boy who wanted to die.

Authors Note: Ok, my angst brain seems to have come back to me. *le sigh* Ok, so essentially, I was reading Order of the Phoenix, for the first time(I know, huge shocker.) And while I was bawling my eyes out over Sirius's death, I got hit with an Idea. In many of the series' I have read, a character, in less horrid situations than Harry, would contemplate suicide, which brought me to thinking why exactly J.K. Rowling never really explored this underside to Harry, though she definitely hinted at it (See basically the first half of HPB.) So, I decided, why not do this. So, leave you thoughts in the reveiw box. Let me know you here! A few moments of your time, could make someone's day!


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